South Dakota State Library: Braille and Talking Book Library

Memorandum

South Dakota State Library
Braille and Talking Book Library
September 2000
Editor: Karen Knudsen

Patrons of the SD Braille & Talking Book Library
This MEMORANDUM is our means of communication with our patrons. If you have any questions or comments you would like to address, or wish to have this memo in large print or braille, please contact Karen Knudsen.

If you wish to receive the next issue of the MEMORANDUM, please return this issue. If you don't want to receive future issues of the MEMORANDUM, please contact the Library at 1-800-423-6665 and ask for Karen Knudsen.

Notes From The Editor.Karen Knudsen
Ah, those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer are now past. I had a good summer visiting with family and friends over my vacation in July. There were parades, ballgames, concession stands, and carnival rides for all ages on the 4th of July. I hope that you too enjoyed the 4th.

It was also a busy summer here at work. There were cassette textbooks & large print textbooks coming in and going out.

Are there fishermen out there? I would love to have you mail me some of your fish tales to record in future Memorandums. I could never seem to get to the part of baiting the hook so as a result I didn't do much fishing. I did like to sit on the bank and enjoy the peace & quiet while my Dad & brother did their thing.

I am looking forward to fall as it is my favorite time of the year with its many changing colors of leaves and the beautiful days and nights even if I know winter is around the corner. School will soon be starting. Where has summer gone?

Please if you have any comments or suggestions call us at 1-800-423-6665 with them. This is your library and we welcome your suggestions & comments. If you have book lists, please call or send them to us also.

FROM THE DESK OF DAN BOYD
NATIONAL PROGRAM INFORMATION
In past issues of this newsletter I have talked about the South Dakota Braille & Talking Book Program. In this issue I would like to provide you with some information on the national program.

On the national level the National Library Service for the Blind & Physically Handicapped (NLS) administers this free program of braille & recorded materials for the blind and physically disabled persons for Library of Congress. Under special provision of the U.S. Copyright Law and with the permission of authors and publishers of works not covered by the provision, NLS selects and produces full-length books and magazines in braille and recorded on cassette. Reading materials are distributed to a cooperating network of regional libraries where they are circulated to eligible borrowers. The South Dakota Braille & Talking Book Program is part of that network.

Reading materials and playback machines are sent to borrowers and returned to libraries by postage-free mail. Established in 1931 by an act of Congress to serve blind adults, the program was expanded in 1952 to include children, in 1962 to provide music materials, and again in 1966 to include individuals with other physical impairments that prevent holding a book and/or turning the pages.

The NLS program is funded annually by Congress. The fiscal year 2000 appropriation is $47,984,000. Regional libraries receive funds from state, local, and federal sources. Through an additional appropriation to the U.S. Postal Service, books and materials are mailed as "Free Matter for the Blind or Handicapped." The combined expenditure for the program is approximately $135 million annually.

More than 22 million recorded books and magazines were circulated to a national readership of 764,000 in 1999.

The International Union Catalog currently contains 325,000 titles (22 million copies). The average reader borrows 39 recorded books and magazines a year.

Production costs average $6.00 for a book recorded on audiocassette.

TIDBITS FROM THE STAFF

From the Desk of Connie
Radio Talking Book
Radio Talking Book is a cooperative program between the SD Braille & Talking Book Program, Services to the Blind & Visually Impaired, and SD Public Radio. This program provides a twenty-four hour seven days a week radio network for blind individuals. The network broadcasts readings from books/magazines, interviews with government and business leaders on issues of interest to blind persons, and newspapers.

For a number of years the South Dakota Braille & Talking Book Program has been providing newspaper programs for South Dakota listeners. Monday through Friday at 11:00 AM you can listen to articles from the Sioux Falls Argus Leader, at 11:30 AM you can listen to the Rapid City Journal.

On July 11th two additional South Dakota newspapers were added. At that time the Federal Prison Camp (FPC) at Yankton, South Dakota became part of the South Dakota Radio Talking Book network. At 1:00 PM you can listen to the Yankton Daily Press and Dakotan, and at 1:30 PM you can listen to the Aberdeen American News. These two newspapers are being broadcast from studios located at the Federal Prison Camp and the readers for the newspapers are FPC inmates.

This service including the radio receiver needed to listen to Radio Talking Book is provided at no cost to the individual. If you would like more information or an application please call the SD Braille & Talking Book Program toll-free 1-800-423-6665.

The staff at the South Dakota Braille & Talking Book Program would like to take this opportunity to say "thank you" to the Federal Bureau of Prisons and the Federal Prison Camp for understanding the importance of this project and agreeing to be an active participant.

From The Desk Of Jerry
Looking After Your Machine
We know that most of our patrons take very good care of their cassette machines that are lent to them, but occasionally we get a player back that is so dirty that it must be destroyed. Equipment valued at many thousands of dollars is lost in this way every year.

We understand that the damage is not deliberate, but we also know some of it can be avoided. Here are a few suggestions on how to keep your machine clean and in working order.

Keep the machine in a clean, dry environment.
Don't let the machine get wet.
Cover the machine when not in use to keep it clean and dust-free.
Don't put your machine close to sources of heat, such as a radiator, wood stove, or cooker.
Keep food, drink, and pets away from your machine.
If you spill something on the machine, clean it up right away to prevent permanent staining and further damage.
Wipe the plastic case occasionally with a soft cloth and Fantastic or a similar household-cleaning product.
Use and store the machine in a safe place, e.g. away from the table edge from where it can fall and break if knocked off.

From Kathy's Desk
New Editions
From time to time NLS reissues books which have been part of the collection for years. This is done to improve the quality of recordings and also add newer editions to the collection. There are several classic literature books which are heavily requested by schools and students which have been reissued in recent editions. Some of the most requested which fall into this category are:

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (RC043591)
The Diary of a Young Girl (Anne Frank) (RC040424)
Night by Elie Wiesel (RC042074)
To Kill a Mockingbird (RC036414)
Romeo and Juliet (RC044353)
A Raisin in the Sun (RC042547)

The recent recordings of Huckleberry Finn and Diary of a Young Girl are actually different editions. Both contain additional chapters which had been edited or censored out of the books at the original date of publication.

From Judy's Desk
New videos!
We purchased four new videos. To borrow our new titles call your reader advisor or ask for Judy.

DVS 00235 L.A. CONFIDENTIAL
DVS 00236 SAVING PRIVATE RYAN
DVS 00237 THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY
DVS 00238 YOU'VE GOT MAIL

Descriptive video policy reminder:

The patron may keep a movie for up to one week, but we ask that it be returned immediately after watching so that other patrons may borrow the movie.
The patron is responsible for payment if any damage occurs to the video. The videos are property of the South Dakota State Library.
A regular VHS videocassette recorder (VCR) and a television are all that is needed to view the movie.
If you have a decoder, most of the movies are also closed captioned for hearing impaired viewers.
The videos are for private home use only. Any showing of the video in a public setting is breaking copyright law.
If you would like to own your own copy of the movie contact DVS Home Video at 1-317-579-0439.

BOOK SELECTIONS FROM THE STAFF
NEW TITLES IN THE SOUTH DAKOTA COLLECTION
The South Dakota Collection contains books with South Dakota interests or titles that our readers have recommended.

SD003337 The Day of the Bonanza
This book is about the successful experiment of Bonanza farming in the Red River Valley of North Dakota during the nineteenth century.
SD003338 Rachel Calof's Story
Rachel Calof was born in Russia but came to the United States in 1894 and married a man she had never seen. For the next 33 years she lived on a farm north of Devils Lake North Dakota.
SD003340 The Great Railroad Race:
Juvenile's book that is a diary description about the building of the railroad across the United States.
SD003341 Bad River (Wakpa Sica) Ripple, Rages, . . .
A history of the Bad River, Fort Pierre, South Dakota which includes the Legend of the Bad River, history of the schools, the railroad, towns and personal stories.
SD003342 The River Warren
Set in the farm country where the Midwest starts to become the West. The narrator offers pieces of the story they know, or think they know.
SD003343 Cowgirls : Women of the American West
Cowgirls is a vivid and inspiring portrait of women whom following our pioneering ancestors, lead lives of fierce independence, courage and strength, emerge joyous and triumphant.
SD003344 Life on the King Ranch
This story is about the author and his ranch friends. It tells of the way they worked, the tales they told and the fun they had on America's largest cattle ranch.
SD003345 Stories of the Far West
This is a history from 1803 to 1843 of the Trans-Missouri country. It is actual narratives of fur trappers, better known as mountain men.
SD003346 Nothing To Make a Shadow
The author describes her frontier and pioneer life in South Dakota.
SD003347 Trailing The Cowboy
Depicts the vocation of the cowboy. The contents include the men on horseback, all in a day's work, going to town, tales tall and tangy, spots on the range and sunset trail.

American Foundation for the Blind Honors Excellence in the Narration of Talking Books
For Immediate Release

The AFB presented its 14th Alexander Scourby Narrator of the Year Awards to honor excellence in the narration of Talking Books on Monday, June 12th at 5:30 p.m. at Madison Square Garden, Seventh Avenue at 32nd Street in Manhattan. Rob Morrison, co-anchor, "Weekend Today in New York," News Channel 4, served as master of ceremonies.

The program originated in 1933, and is administered by the National Library Service for the Blind and Physically Handicapped (NLS) of the Library of Congress.

The Alexander Scourby Narrator of the Year Awards were established by AFB in 1986 in memory of its most popular Talking Books narrator. The highlight of the evening features award recipients giving readings from favorite works they have recorded. The awards are presented in the categories of fiction, nonfiction, and a special award this year, classical fiction. A lifetime achievement award was also presented.

This year's fiction award recipient is Graci Ragsdale, a narrator at Insight for the Blind, Ft. Lauderdale, Fl, for over 10 years where she has recorded a wide variety of books including fiction, nonfiction, children's literature, poetry and plays.

The winner in the nonfiction category was James DeLotel, a narrator at the APH for the Blind in Louisville, KY. He has recorded nearly 350 books in the past 22 years, including Ben-Hur, Brave New World, and You Can't Go Home Again. A trained singer, DeLotel has appeared in over 70 productions with the Kentucky Opera since 1962.

Tom Martin is the recipient in classical fiction. He has been narrating books since 1970 at AFB's Talking Book Studios, where he has recorded nearly 300 titles including Lady Chatterly's Lover, Kidnapped, and Silas Marner. He has appeared in numerous theatrical productions, television commercials, and soap operas. He is also a narrator for Listening Library.

A special lifetime achievement award was also presented to Ray Hagen, a narrator at NLS studios in Washington, D.C., where he has narrated over 400 titles since 1973 on such diverse topics as celebrity biographies, Jewish fiction and nonfiction, gay-related fiction and nonfiction, and comedy. He has also compiled two dictionaries for Talking Book narrators--Say How?: A Pronunciation Guide to Names of Public Figures and the ABC Book: Acronyms, Brand Names and Corporations--which are updated and distributed to all Library of Congress Studios every six months.

The AFB-to which Helen Keller devoted more than 40 years of her life--is a national nonprofit whose mission is to eliminate the inequities faced by ten million Americans who are blind or visually impaired. Headquartered in New York City, AFB maintains offices in Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas, and San Francisco, and a governmental relations office in Washington, DC.

The announcements of new products and services in our memorandum should not be considered an endorsement of those products and services by the SD Braille and Talking Book Library. The products and services are listed free of charge for the benefit of our readers.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION

The Eye Patch Club
Has been formed for families coping with a child's amblyopia treatment. The treatment for this is best corrected in infancy to improve the vision of the weaker eye. By covering the strong eye and forcing the brain to use the non-preferred eye which is the usual method, can be uncomfortable and embarrassing, and children wanting to fit in can be resistant to a treatment that makes them look different.

Prevent Blindness America offers tips and information to help, and those joining the Eye Patch Club receive a kit containing a newsletter featuring tips and techniques for promoting compliance, stories from and about children who wear a patch, and advice from eye care professionals. Additionally, they will receive a classroom guide for the child's teacher, a refrigerator magnet of helpful hints, an Eye Patch Club calendar, and stickers. Through a pen pal club, children in treatment can share their story with others.

More information is available on the Internet at www.preventblindness.org or contact Prevent Blindness America, Greater New York City Division, 149 Madison Avenue, Suite 805, New York, NY 10016, (212) 980-2020.
Kidability
Is a newly released video created to provide an opportunity to understand and improve the lives and conditions of individuals. It was made for general audiences. It costs $89 plus $6.75 shipping and handling from Program Development Associates, PO Box 2038, Syracuse, NY.13220; phone (800) 543-2119).
Artificial Vision
The Dobelle Institute after more than 30 years of development has announced the development of an artificial vision system to provide independent mobility for blind people.

The Dobelle Eye consists of a miniature television camera and an ultrasound distance sensor mounted on a pair of eyeglasses. These devices are connected by a cable to a 10 pound computer worn in a pack on the person's belt. After processing, the video and distance signals are carried by wires through the skull to an array of 68 platinum electrodes implanted of the surface of the visual cortex of the brain. When stimulated, the electrodes produce bright spots good enough for 20/400 visual acuity. The totally blind user can now read 2-inch high letters at a distance of 5 feet and navigate in unfamiliar environments. A special electronic interface enables him to watch television and use a computer.

For more information, contact the Dobelle Institute at the Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center, 3960 Broadway, New York, NY 10032, (212) 927-4000. Details are available on the Internet at www.artificialvision.com. (site not active as of 02/2006)
Voice Mate
Is the 3rd generation of Parrot's voice organizer. It uses digital storage and speech recognition technologies to provide a talking organizer with a wide range of features, including phone book, voice note pad, appointment book, talking alarm clock and calculator. The Voice Mate offers 40 minutes of recording time; high voice recognition quality; an earphone, eight levels of volume control; PC link for storing data and updating software via the Internet; a personal identification code to limit access; 10 languages (English, Chinese, Danish, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Spanish, Swedish); reminders; talking calculator with foreign currencies; and much more. It currently retails for $249. The leather case costs $26.

For more information contact Parrot via e-mail at sales@parrot.fr; visit the web site, www.voice-assistant.com; or call toll free (888) 936-0001.
Sayit 2000
Futureforms, a division of Pummill Business Forms, Inc. recently introduced SayIt 2000, a new assistive technology software which enables visually impaired people to fill out forms online. For more information, visit www.futureforms.com, or call (800) 748-0235.
Graph Reader
Centaurian Systems LLC, a Michigan based software development company, recently developed a graph reader for the visually impaired. It describes the graph and labels its parts, as well as interprets the information by telling a visually impaired user what kind of graph is being described.

For more information, call Steve Timmer at (517) 381-9622 or e-mail him at Steve@centaurian.com.
AdaptiveWare
A mail-order business specifically tailored to the needs of blind & visually impaired computer users. Products sold include custom-built computers, scanners, screen readers, speech synthesizers and braille embossers, as well as such products as the Road Runner & Aria.

For more information, or a free catalog, contact AdaptiveWare at 2700 Lakeland Dr., Nashville, TN 37214; phone (615) 884-8904 or toll-free (800) 470-7482.
Door Stop Alarms.
Brett Davis Company sells door stop alarms. You place it in back of your door, and when someone attempts to enter your home, the door presses on the door stop, which activates a loud alarm. The sound may frighten off the intruder, and alerts you to dial 911. Each alarm costs $29.95 plus $5 shipping and handling. To order contact the Brett Davis Company, 776 Corydon Ave., Suite 712, Winnipeg Manitoba R3MOY1, Canada.
New Awards
American Printing House for the Blind recently awarded the first Virgil Zickel Awards to 3 individuals who have contributed innovative ideas for products now produced by APH.
Nancy Rinker produced a Grandstand Reading Easel which is a bright yellow, lightweight, portable and inexpensive aid for large print readers. It has an adjustable shelf that can be raised and lowered as needed to accommodate different size books.

Marcia Gevers developed the MasterPlan Calendar designed to fit low-vision aids. It in written in large bold print and fits in a 3 ring binder which allows for flexibility in adding and subtracting pages.

Alex Snow suggested a new type of binder that would make it possible to manage Braille paper more efficiently. The result is the 3 hole Floppy Braille Binder.
To order any of these items, call APH at (800) 223-1839.
Ruff Wear
A manufacturer of gear for dogs on the go, recently upgraded its web site, www.ruffwear.com and improved its accessibility for the visually impaired. Through a series of changes, the web site now complies with the W3C guidelines and is Bobby compliant. For more information, or a catalog, call toll free (888) 783-3932, or visit the web site listed above.
Buy, Sell or Trade
BST is a new electronic list that formed recently. All ads sent to the list are the responsibility of a sender. Ads must include the name of the sender, a full description of the item (s), the asking price or a price range you're willing to pay, and your e-mail address.

To subscribe, send a blank e-mail message to BSTsubscribe@onelist.com.
Seeking Recipes
Eva Kurtz, 715 SW Fillmore #1, Topeka, Kansas 66606 is looking for the recipes from the ADA Forecaster from "A Cookbook for Diabetics" by Maude Behrman, edited by Leonard Louis Levinson. She specifically needs volumes 1, 4 and 5. If you have any of these to spare, please send them to her.
Literacy Packet
The Braille Revival League recently released its 2000 special edition braille literacy packet, which contains numerous resources for conducting a variety of braille literacy activities during the year.

If you or your organization would like to receive a packet, send a $5 check to cover the cost of production and mailing to: Braille Revival League, Attn: Kim Charlson, 57 Grandview. Ave., Watertown, MA 02472-1634; phone (617) 926-9198.
Kurzweil Honored
Ray Kurzweil received the National Medal of Technology on March 14th from President Clinton. The citation reads: "For Pioneering and innovative achievements in computer science that have overcome barriers for and enriched the lives of disabled persons and of all Americans, including developing the first print-to-speech reading machine for the blind, the first commercially marketed large vocabulary speech recognition technology and the ground breaking Kurzweil 250 computer music keyboard."

The National Medal of Technology is the nation's highest honor in technology. It was enacted by Congress in 1980 and has been awarded by the President of the United States each year since 1985. It is awarded to several individuals (and/or groups of individuals) each year. In most years, a company also has been honored. There are no categories specified in the award. Some previous winners include Kenneth L Thompson & Dennis M. Richie, for the UNIX operating system and the C programming language; Vinton Gray Cerf & Robert E. Kahn, for the TCP/IP protocol on which the Internet is based.
Top Dot
Has may tutorials plus they also publish "Sound Computing," a bi-monthly magazine for any blind computer user. It is also available on tape and in RealAudio. Subscriptions to the cassette edition also give subscribers access to the RealAudio edition; They cost $24 in North America. Real Audio only subscriptions only cost $19. Contact Top dot at the number or address which is: Top Dot Enterprises, 8930 11th Pl. SE, Everett, WA 98205. If you wish to order by credit card, call (425) 335-4894.
Books -- Megilas Esther
Jewish Heritage for the Blind now has the large print "Megilas Esther" available, as well as the Braille edition of " Rabbi Shrage Feivel Mendlowitz, zt'l" free of charge for visually impaired people. Mail or fax your request to Jewish Heritage for the Blind, 1655 E 24th St., Brooklyn, NY 11229; fax (718) 338-0653. Supply is limited to one per family.
ADA Consulting Inc.
Specializes in the sale of information that is specially written for blind and visually impaired people who are new to computing.
The first title, "Family Fun with Computing," came out in July 1999. It was written for families who have just purchased computers, but don't have the extra funds to add a speech package for their visually impaired family member. Included with this book is "Touch Typing the Silent Way."

The second title "Competitive Computing for the Print Disabled," came out in August. It presents accommodations the print-disabled person might consider as a way of using Windows 95 so they can be competitive in life and employment situations.

"Map" came out in September. It is a book meant to help you master other application programs that are speech-friendly, including Notepad, Calculator, Solitaire, and the Internet.

"Tools for Considerable Independence with Computing" came out in October. It starts with tips for reading manuals and help screens, and encourages the use of shortcut keys; it instructs you on how to explore what programs are on your hard drive, CD-ROM, or floppy, and how to figure out what they're supposed to do, and how to make them do it.
All four titles are available as a set, which costs $39.95. Books are available in print, large print, grade two Braille, 3.5-inch IBM-compatible floppy disk, or two-track cassette. Single books cost $12.95. Write to: ADA Consulting Inc., PO Box 3126, Carson City, NV 89701.

Disability Etiquette
With more than 49 million Americans having a disability, it makes good sense to display sensitivity toward these individuals. If you are unsure as to what to say or how to react, just ask.

Don't assume that any individual with a disability is anxious to receive your help. Offer assistance only if the individual appears to need it, and then ask before you act. Respect the individual's privacy and right to personal space. Avoid patting or otherwise touching the person or equipment.

Always speak directly to the individual, not to the aide, companion, or sign interpreter.

Interacting With People Who Are Blind or visually Impaired:

Blind individuals are usually quite competent to travel, unassisted or with a cane or guide dog. If they need help, they will let you know.
When appropriate, offer your arm (do not take his/hers) if guidance is needed. Never leave a blind person in the middle of the street (while you run to catch your bus).
Identify yourself when making contact with a blind person--give your name and role, as appropriate.
If the person has a guide dog, walk on the side opposite of the dog. As you walk along, describe any obstacles, stairs, or objects protruding into the walking space. Do not touch a guide dog.
Let the blind person know when you are leaving--this avoids the embarrassment of discovering the person has been talking to himself.
When giving direction, give specific nonvisual information (i.e., "Walk to the end of the corridor and make a full right."). Describe any physical changes--such as rearranged furniture or equipment that has been moved--which might be an obstacle to movement. Keep aisles and walkways clear of obstructions.
It is okay to use the word "blind" and terms like "see you later." Remember, not all disabilities are immediately apparent. Your sensitivity and intelligent offers of assistance can go a long way towards making the person with a disability comfortable and able to function in your shared environment.

If you have questions about disabilities, please ask a Regional or Subregional Library staff member.

Magazines
Time, the popular weekly news magazine, is now available in large type. The 16-point edition contains 80% of the content of the regular edition, and includes graphics and photographs. The magazine costs around $80 for an annual subscription and $38 for six months. To subscribe and to get more information, call toll free (800) 843-TIME (8463).

For the latest information about recorded magazines, check your Talking Book Topics catalog. Most of the magazines are now on cassette, so contact us if you would like a free subscription.

Favorite Authors
This quarter we are providing you with a list of authors that write Historical Fiction.

Cindy Bonner, Wallace Breem, Taylor Caldwell, Paul Clayton, John William Corrington, James Clavell, E.L. Doctorow, Ivan Doig, Dorothy Dunnet, Robert S Elegant, Edna Ferber, Jesse Hill Ford, Oakely M. Hall, Marilyn Harris, Cecilia Holland, James A Houston, Gary Jennings, M.M. Kaye, James A Michener, H. Warner Munn, Mary Renault, Irving Stone, Agnes Turnbull, Gore Vidal, Jessamyn West, and Tom Wicker.

Volunteer Interview
Our volunteer for this quarter is Jerry Parkinson. He is the other half of the Parkinson team. Last quarter we had his wife as the volunteer we interviewed.

Jerry's sunny personality makes Monday and Tuesday really fly by. He comes in about 10: 00 am on those days and edits the Sioux Falls paper for the articles to be read on the air for our talking book radio patrons. He also has read a number of news bulletins that come in from other sources. He has been doing this for us for about 6 years or so.

Jerry was born in Hitchcock and like his wife last quarter, won't tell his age, but I would say no matter what it is, it is youthful. He has lived in Pierre from 1963-1973 and from 1977 to present. When he wasn't living in Pierre, he spent time in Kadoka & Sioux Falls, also 18 months in Korea, 1 1/2 years in Oregon, and attended college at Dakota Wesleyan University.

Besides here at the Library, Jerry volunteers at the Cultural Heritage Center, Domestic Center, Capitol Christmas Tree Program, Parkwood, Ft. Pierre City Cleanup Program, he also has taped books for elementary school students.

Jerry likes to hunt and fish, but his family comes first with him. He says he likes to spend as much time with his four sons and their families as possible.

The Talking Book Library Staff thank Jerry very much for the many hours that he has volunteered at the Library.

Reminder
Please rewind your cassette tapes when you have finished listening to them. This greatly helps reduce the time needed for inspection.

POTPOURRI
I will just start this part of the Memorandum off with a couple of thoughts.

Take a heart full of warmth, and hugs and kisses-sift in your hopes, your dreams and your wishes. Blend them together with laughter and tears. Add a dash of forgiveness and stir through the years. This is the recipe for love. Author Unknown

Gem of the Day: If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

The Mute Parrot

A fellow buys a parrot, but the parrot's vocabulary is rude at best. The fellow tries to reform his parrot by offering tidbits, shouts, and more, but nothing works.

Frustrated, he throws the parrot into the freezer, and can still hear insults for a few minutes. But then there is a sudden silence. Worried that he's broken the bird, he whips open the freezer.

The parrot comes out with wholly-changed demeanor. It says, "On reflection, my language has been improper. I intend to change. I beg your pardon."

There's a pause, then the parrot adds, "May I ask what, exactly, the turkey did?"

Doctor Humor
When the doctor says:

"This should be taken care of right away."
He means: "I've planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
"Wellll, what have we here.?"
He means: "Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue."
"We'll see."
He means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
"Let me check your medical history."
He means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before I spend anymore time with you."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?"
He means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, then I've got a date."
OR: "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
He means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."